The Reality of Joining Up

I realized a few days ago that I hadn't actually discussed the process of applying to the Peace Corps or what my experience has been like. I tend to focus on the poetry of prose, which makes fiction professors love me and science professors get out their red pens. Luckily, I studied a somewhat soft science. 

So today, I want to focus on something incredibly important: applying and going forward with entering the Peace Corps.

I have advice on what to do and what not to do, but mostly, I want to talk about the extreme emotions that go along with the kind of life change going into the Peace Corps actually is. It's life altering from the very first question answered on the very first page. I mean, who wants to go somewhere in the world to study a people, bring a sense of American culture and identity into that space, and teach a struggling population something that will enable them to collectively better their lives? It's not everyone. I expected, because I've studied French, to be placed somewhere in Africa. I expected to live in a hut á la Monique and the Mango Rains and work with a sick and struggling indigenous population. Instead, I was given Moldova, but what even led to that?

The process seems simple at first glance. Apply online, get recommendation letters, have an interview, smile on camera a lot, think about your morals and effect on these people you will be encountering, and get medically and legally cleared for service. If only it were that simple.

For one thing, I pored over my resume. I knew that I would be an ideal candidate in most ways. I had work experience in business in an international arena, I studied Antropology, and I have successfully survival camped without even a proper backpack, only a tarp and seatbelt material to hold my makeshift knapsack together. Essentially, I had the three elements I believed the Peace Corps would gravitate towards: guts, intelligence, and tact. I sent an email to an advisor serving my region for entry. His job was to get back to interested parties with information on the prospect of serving. I waited for three days in between contacting him about what to put on my resume and uploading my actual resume. He got back to me three days after that. This is typical in the pre-offer world of the Peace Corps and sometimes even after. It is a bueracratic federally funded arena of jumping through hoops and getting nowhere for what seems like weeks. It can be frustrating. You might make a phone call only to receive an answer two days later or not at all. Perseverance here is key. I admit, being employed in the private sector for so many years made me unprepared for the lag time. "I thought the Peace Corps WANTED quality volunteers!" I said many times. Luckily, my parents work for the federal government. They outlined the major difference in communication in the federal vs. private sector: don't expect an answer right away. It's not an organized process. It's a hectic, last-minute, ever-evolving and reworking machine that will eventually get a completed task to you, it just may not be what you originally ordered. My advice: be patient and adaptable. These are incredibly important skills that you will need not just through the process, but also in your assignment. I am glad I uploaded my resume without waiting for a response. I knew what I was doing. It would have been nice to have the advice of an advisor, but in the end, it really wasn't necessary! I received an interview email even before I received a response from the advisor, so I guess I was okay in the resume version I uploaded anyway.

My interview was through a Skype-business service. I spoke to my interviewer with nervousness. He asked for short succinct answers. I answered truthfully and tried to be charming and let my inner light shine through. Haha. It took me until 31 to get my degree, but not only did I get it, I was doing something with it!

My invitation to Moldova came relatively quickly. I accepted immediately. As I've discussed in other posts, I did have some reservations, but I ended up pushing them out of my mind. After all, like I said previously, adaptation is important in the PC. Then I began filling out paperwork and researching the country I would be serving my two years in. My medical paperwork and tasks came in and I was working crazy hours. I put off the paperwork until a time I could get it all done quickly. My deadline was approaching a month later and I had appointments. The day before the deadline I had about 80% of the paperwork complete and received a declination of service...they were denying me entry due to a lack of response on the paperwork. I went into panic mode and called everyone I could. The declination was stayed and I uploaded the paperwork....phew! If I could do this again, I would have found a way to at least communicate my intentions for completion. I worked so much during the time leading up to it that I really couldn't make time for appointments, but I should have communicated that to my PC nurse. I didn't really understand the process yet. The staff is there for that reason, to help you gain entry. After initial vetting, they want you. If you are non-responsive, they figure you don't want them, but I DID, so they worked with me.

The medical clearance is no easy task. In fact, it's a laundry list of very difficult ones. It's expensive. I knew I wanted to do this and after I got laid off last June, I didn't take another full-time long-term job because this was my goal. It meant that I did not have health insurance so all my tests, fillings, and visits were out-of-pocket. I am so lucky that I have parents that helped me financially to get these visits done. If I were not a part of such a loving and supportive family both emotionally and financially, there is absolutely no way I would be about to embark on the experience of a lifetime. 

 

It seemed like every step I completed, a new one came up. Everything I submitted caused ten more questions to arise. It was a never ending cycle of frustration and money being spent. I persevered. What my mom and I discussed later was that medical clearance is important for so many reasons. One is to make sure you are physically fit enough to serve in your job and country assigned. Another is to weed out those who just aren't committed. There were times I threw my hands up and was so close to quitting, but again, I have a supportive family who helped me find ways around every single concern and obstacle. Eventually, I received my medical clearance.

On top of medical clearance, there is legal clearance. The PC does a full background check. I had to be fingerprinted and fill out paperwork authorizing a full criminal background check. That was weird. I had never been fingerprinted before, so it freaked me out a little. It was digital too, and I lived with a conspiracy theorist for a while. Yet I did it. I'm going to be representing my wonderful United States of America. It makes sense that they would need my fingerprints and a full background check. That wasn't insanely expensive, but it wasn't free.

After that comes the online modules and tests about HIV and avoiding contraction and safety rules while in country. These modules are graded and you must pass to gain entry into the Peace Corps. None of them are so difficult that they are frustrating. The information is interesting and necessary. The only confusing aspect was actually accessing the modules. You will find that the Peace Corps sends a lot of emails with links. Some of them bring you to a website that then links you to another website. Keep your eyes open to this. There are constantly tasks that you must complete in multiple portals and there are multiple logins and access points. It is not a streamlined process where everything is in one place or there is a comprehensive list of tasks available for completion. You may want to make an excel spreadsheet and every time you get an email, add any new tasks that you must complete.

In another online space there is additional paperwork online for media releases, intellectual property while serving, among other things like insurance and next of kin.

You also have to apply for a no-fee passport that is used exclusively for PC Volunteer travel.

Finally, there is paperwork for your in-country host family during pre-service training. 

And of course, I switched from Moldova, a country with no visa restrictions, to China, a country with extreme visa and medical restrictions. It reopened my entire medical file and I had to apply for a visa as well. My paperwork was in translated English and Mandarin and the English didn't always translate properly. For instance, EKG was spelled ECC on my medical clearance paperwork and the doctor had no clue what to do with it. We worked on it together and it came together like a puzzle, slowly, and from the edges in. I had to get a chest X-ray, blood tests, additional vaccinations, and an additional blood work up. It was intense!

Of course, nothing compares to the sense of accomplishment I felt when hitting 'send,' on the completed paperwork. About five minutes ago an email came in detailing additional information they need for my host family. Maybe I will see you all in a week or so....

In the end, it's all just stuff that needed to be done. Every time I got a new medical assignment or had only a few days to complete something, it was frustrating and nerve wracking. I had this dream and it seemed almost out of reach every time I had to go back to the doctor or write a personal statement because each time it was an opportunity to say the wrong thing or be taken the wrong way. It was difficult to assess the reasoning behind certain requests, and after wanting this so badly for so long, every time I had an additional task added, it was another opportunity for failure. Yet it was also another opportunity for showing just how committed to this process I was and continue to be and that made my effort increase. If you REALLY want to join the ranks of the Peace Corps, no task they ask of you is insurmountable. A positive attitude is everything. Especially when you are frustrated or confused by the process. Perseverance is absolutely key! Keep going. Get the additional test or vaccination done. Get on the phone and inquire. Figure it out. Overseas you are going to encounter things you never dreamed. This process is an opportunity to train on that, to keep your head up and prove your worth and your commitment to gaining entry. And let's not forget, this is still a job. Yes, it's volunteer, you will not earn an actual salary while participating in this program, although your medical and basic needs will be taken care of by the program, which is funded by the American Public (thank you for that.) Your commitment to the cause is paramount. This is simply another interview and maybe one of the most complex interviews you will ever have, but it's also one of the most rewarding experiences as well. At the end, you join a cause. At the end you become something greater than just your identity. You belong amongst those people also willing to give up part of their lives, go to a new place, and make a difference in the lives of others. When you look at it from that perspective, a little writing and action and giving of blood doesn't seem so bad.

China

A few days ago I was sitting at work when my cell phone rang. It was the Peace Corps. I immediately got nervous. My volunteer passport application had been sent the week before and I saw that it had been received according to the tracking. I was nervous that something had happened to it. The man introduced himself as Russ and said, "some additional visas have opened up for China. We want to extend an invitation to you to switch assignments and go to China June 17." He offered to send me the paperwork and answer any questions I may have. He then said, "I need to know by tomorrow at 4pm." I called him three hours later and confirmed my wish to switch.

China. A land where over 20% of the world's population resides. A land where cities give way to farmland with no suburban transition and rice is the main staple in everyone's diet. A land where at 5'9" and a size 10.5 shoe, I will most likely be unable to find clothing that will fit me, so it's important that I pack well.

When I was about ten or so, I was sick with the flu and my mom gave me The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck and eventually lead to her being awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. I read it, poring through the pages and imagining such a different life and landscape from my own. Now, 23 years later, I am going to be living in an area that could probably be compared to that landscape, and where life has changed since pre-WWI China, many things have stayed the same. I took the assignment change for many reasons. One being that I really want to experience a completely different culture from my own. I don't want to just see poverty, which is guaranteed no matter where the Peace Corps sends you. I wanted to see staggeringly different life and experience it through the eyes of an anthropologist. As an anthropologist, my job is not to change a culture, but to observe it. As a Peace Corps Volunteer, my job is to foster positive relations and provide tools for greater community, economic, and educational development. I will be teaching college-age students English as a second language in China. My job in Moldova was to be a Business Adviser, which is very closely tied to my pre-alumnus life when I was an International Insurance Broker and a Marketing Manager. The difference in the old assignment and the new is obvious.

Many people don't know my goals when I return home, but one is to receive higher education and possibly become a college professor. I am very fond of saying that I want to go to school for the rest of my life. This job will enable me to get onto a track of educating myself and others. It will enable me to gain experience that will be absolutely paramount in my next steps as an adult human. Whether I study Anthropology, Public Health, or Law, the experience of teaching in China will give me incredible experience that I will carry with me in the next stages. In addition, I will be able to actually gauge the progress of these students and change their lives as well.  It reminds me of Taylor Mali's What Teachers Make Poetry Slam performance. I get to make a god damn difference!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU

I'm not saying that going to Moldova wouldn't have been worthwhile and life changing, but it felt like following a path I already stepped off of. It felt like I was living someone else's life. I applied to the Peace Corps to change my life and a little piece of the world, and I wanted it to be on this new, less traveled path. I'm done with business and business development and making money and profit with no substance. It felt dirty...like I was still a registered Republican (yes, I believe in small government and state's rights, and yes, I also know that the party has been high jacked by evangelicals and the greedy, and with the cost of globalization making small government nearly impossible in this society, I am now a registered Democrat, because that's what happens when you become educated...you see the flaws in the system and want to make them better. You don't want to go back in time to a racist, bigoted, morally bankrupt time when things were "great," only if you were a middle aged straight married employed white man.) But I digress...I want to create a life that fits me, and China just feels right. It feels like the right wedding dress, my favorite champagne, and a bite of watermelon that is crisp, juicy, with no seeds. It feels right. So I'm going to China. The doctor who filled out my paperwork was so sweet. He talked to me for two hours about travel and how much he admired me for my service. This is a man who takes mission trips and does Doctors Without Borders multiple times a year, and he admires ME? Wow. I let that sink in and I found a place within me that felt whole and complete. I now feel full of joy and I feel blessed that in this life, I've already lived such an incredible one and that I have the opportunity to change, grow, and do something truly extraordinary.

Anthropology may lead me to the Peace Corps

My entire life, my parents have told me I can do anything. At around six years old I noticed that all songs on the radio were about love of another person. I asked my mom why. She said that the love of another person was most people's idea of their life's goal. I looked at her disgusted and said that there should be songs about other things....oh how naive and sweet I was. As I grew into adolescence and then early adulthood, I was somewhat boy crazy. I read over some of my poetry from my teen years recently and had to laugh. It is very angst ridden and totally filled with all the unrequited love I could fit into those years. In my twenties, I had a string of very long, very unsuited relationships. It seems that lasted all the way up to my current age, 32, when I suddenly realized: I don't want to do this anymore. Who cares about love of another person? I want to DO something with my life! I want to travel and change the world!

Don't get me wrong. I've always had big outside goals, but the prospect of having a partner who would help me and pick me up when I fell and encourage me, that was just icing on the cake, and I searched for it, as if my dreams were secondary, as if they would come if only I found this great love. I give a big thumbs-down to old-school Disney movies and, consequently, my grandpa, of whom this blog post is eventually going to be revealed as the inspiration. I have distinct memories of my father saying to me at fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, twenty, twenty two, and twenty five, "I wish you would stop focusing on relationships with guys and start focusing on the things that matter for you, like your goals." I would laugh and say, "I'm still focusing on my goals, dad." He would look at me slightly disgusted (this must be genetic) and I would feel like my dad, "just didn't get it."

Wasn't love the greatest goal?

It turns out, no, it is not, at least not for me. I had a boyfriend in my late twenties who, when he broke up with me, said, "you want this big life. You want to travel and make differences. I just want to get married and have kids." I was heartbroken. I wanted to get married and have kids! But he was right. The part about the traditional lifestyle and not traveling all over the world or changing small parts of it, it simply didn't appeal to me in the least. I kept modifying my wants and needs, still thinking that the right relationship would give me the stability and focus I needed to succeed in all the rest of my life. It's funny, though, that when one of my best friends said, "you should come work for me," because of my intense work ethic and ability to get things done, that my immediate response has usually been, "umm...maybe YOU should work for ME!" Because I couldn't imagine working at my friend's small business for one second. My dreams would have to be put on hold if I did that, and I simply didn't have time for that.

So now I'm questioning it all. Even love. And yesterday, when I was searching for a Peace Corps document in my inbox, I came across an email exchange I had with my grandfather seven years ago where he asks me why I won't just get married already. And I lose my flipping mind. I tell him that I love him, but I think he underestimates me, that I'm smart, and just because I'm female doesn't mean I can't accomplish something outside of getting married. I tell him that I may study anthropology in school and that may lead me to the Peace Corps (a revelation I forgot all about even though I DID end up studying anthropology and it DID lead me to the Peace Corps), and then I tell him, as a granddaughter who loves her grandfather, that I think he should be proud of me no matter what. I believe I was inspired to do this because when my father and I were cleaning out and packing my grandfather's house a few years earlier and my grandpa said something similar when I expressed my desire to be a writer, my dad, Mr. Passive who never ever talked back to my grandfather said sharply, "don't you dare tell my daughter what she can't do! Somebody has to! It might as well be her!" And you know what? My grandpa backed down. Both when my dad said that and when I called him out. I learned then that expressing one's feelings doesn't have to be dramatic or loud. It can simply be stated as in, "I feel like I would like my grandfather to be proud of me, even if I choose a different path than the norm," and it will be met with a far more mature response than if one were to scream, cry, or get offended and shut down completely.

My grandpa passed away a few years ago. It was rough, yet in 2014 I graduated from the University of Maryland with my Bachelors of Arts in Anthropology and in 2015, I was given an invitation to join the United States Peace Corps with a departure date in 2016. I'm just sorry my grandpa wasn't here to see it.

Passing the Test

In June of 2015 I was tired. I was exhausted actually. I had been working at a company I was not happy in within the confines of a career that didn't fulfill me. My relationship was failing and being given CPR only to fail again. I was miserable and I was doing it all because I wanted to pass the test. The test of life. Doesn't a happy and fulfilled life look a certain way? Doesn't it include a relationship you would do anything to keep and a career that may not fulfill you, but deposits a pre-determined amount of money into your bank account every other week? Doesn't it include children and white picket fences? 

What if it doesn't? What if my truth exists outside that perfect 1950s American Dream? In my quest for fulfillment I even learned how to put victory rolls in my hair and I bought midi dresses with flare skirts and little skinny belts that wrapped around my waist making me feel as if I were suffocating. Perhaps it was a sign that to pass this test, a costume would not be enough. It only covered the crumbling pieces. 

So I made changes. My first change was forced upon me: I got laid off from my crappy job. It forced me to reassess. I could easily have stayed in the industry, unhappily jumping from stressful lily pad to even more stressful lily pad. What I had learned about insurance was simple: people who thrive in small business insurance are usually piranhas and they are not very nice and people that are greatly successful in large insurance either have a ton of education and connections, or they are willing to give up absolutely everything else for their careers. Their careers consume them. I had been the latter. I didn't want to be that anymore, or at least, not if it meant being consumed by insurance, that dull and frustrating mistress that is only necessary because our culture revolves around entitlement and how much is mine, how much is yours. There are rare cases where insurance is both used properly and for the benefit of people, but as someone who worked in it for over a decade, I can tell you that petty claims and people fraudulently trying to get more than they were due was much more common and that disgusted me. My bosses disgusted me more. Nearly all men with big heads and booming voices who piled work upon their underlings and took long blissful vacations where they "ran" the office from cell phones, yelling if things didn't go their way but unwilling to actually get in the trenches and help things get done, I was disillusioned early on. Delegating tasks is an important quality in a manager, but it is certainly not the only quality necessary for a manager. In fact, it is actually one of the least important in a leader, and my last boss, that's really the only talent he had. That, and yelling when it didn't go exactly the way he saw it going. I walked out of that office in June 2015 feeling a weight lifting completely off my shoulders. I was free. I look back and I feel sorry for my old boss. He once told me that I was the type of person that should work in non-profit and that he was the type of person that should give a check. He was so incredibly right about that!

My next step to a new life was working on my relationship. I threw myself into that. I cooked, cleaned, and bought little nuggets for my boyfriend, all while dropping hints that I would like to get married. He had been engaged previously. One day he left work only to come home to an empty apartment. She had moved all her things out and was nowhere to be found. He couldn't imagine putting himself out there like that again, even for someone who loved him as much as I did. He simply didn't have it in him. Even now, I miss him. Sitting here in China, I think about him every single day. I think about how lovely he is when he wants to be. I think about how horrible he is at communicating and about how little he actually knows about himself and how to be a good partner. And then I think about the big three: would I really be happy married to a man with so little communication skills? Would I be able to compromise enough of myself and what I believe is important to raise children with a man who has so little in common with me? Would I love him forever and will he love me forever? 

To that last one, I know the answer is yes, but to the first two, it's a no, and that means that the third one means nothing. If I wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't want to raise kids with him, the heartache I feel without him is necessary. It may or may not be temporary. I may never get over him, but that's okay, because despite my ability to love, it isn't the only important factor. If I am someday blessed with a good partner whom I wish to procreate with, that person will not be a smoking, meat-eating, gun-owning individual who disparages traditional relationships simply because he doesn't know how to be in one. I will not pass that on to my children. I simply don't want to pull them apart in that way.

So I'm here now. I made the decisions I made because I was tired. I was tired of trying to pass a test only I knew I was taking and hadn't studied because there is no real test. It's all a test and it's all not a test. It simply depends on one's perspective. To pass, you must find a way to feel fulfilled. For me that meant escaping the rat race and escaping all-consuming, doomed love. It meant taking a chance on doing something few people in their lives dare to. It meant endeavoring to be different and fill my life with passion instead of passionately looking for something to fill my life. So I packed my bags and here I am. In China. Single. Unemployed/Volunteering but doing a job many others have done before me, hoping to have my own individual experience.

The Net

How does one decide to change their life? Is it a sudden decision? Does one morning just feel different upon waking and the person jumps up and says, "today I am a new person. I am going to change my life!" Or is it slow and gradual? Could it be a mix of the two? Maybe even a menagerie of systems and chances leading to a culmination of one momentous occasion where "change" takes place?

For me, it was a little of everything. It was working at a soul-sucking job in a dismal career mixed with a man breaking my heart and a long-time discontented feeling as if I was meant for more. 

I tried for years to fit into a perfect little box with a pretty little bow. I wanted to be "wife," and "mother," and "writer," and "world traveler," and "financial success," so that nobody could say I hadn't made anything of myself. But those were all tall orders and none of them made complete sense to me. How could I be a financial success if I was traveling and not working? How could I be a good mother if I wasn't at home? How could I be a wife when nobody that I have wanted to marry has ever wanted to marry me (thank god!)? And am I not already a writer? I have seven blogs and a manuscript for a novel sitting in my desk drawer. Doesn't that mean I'm already a writer, despite not yet being any type of commercial success? So I broke down the boxes and I recycled them. I began examining my life and figuring out which pieces fit NOW and which ones I needed to reexamine once all the corners and edges were assembled in this jigsaw puzzle we call "life." 

The first thing I did was very difficult: I forgave myself. I forgave my past transgressions and my faults. I realized that without them, I am not 'me.' Without occasionally putting my foot in my mouth or telling a little too much truth, I am not me. Without romanticizing picnics into huge affairs bedecked with the perfect basket, bike, food combination. Without wild adventures like white water rafting with my dad in the freezing cold rain on Father's Day for no apparent reason other than I love to make my dad's back hurt so bad he can't sleep for three days straight. Or even without the weird cleaning habits I've created for myself over the years like cleaning the toilet EVERY Saturday and only on Saturday, I simply would not be "me," and I like "me." I think that I'm pretty cool actually, and I deserved to give myself a break. So I did.

Then I examined what I want out of life again and decided that my next step should be something that will fulfill me in a way nothing else has. Finishing college was good for me, but I wanted to give back. I had wanted to join the Peace Corps for about twelve years. It was in my mind ever since my mom mentioned it to me in the same conversation she told me that "doing for others is the only way to feel fulfillment. It's what measures our self-worth." It took until my early thirties to understand that she did not mean that by being a martyr in my personal relationships, I could find happiness. She meant that by being strong and truly giving of oneself to strangers who need help, we can find greater purpose and fulfill our need to create a legacy. So I joined the Peace Corps.

Now here I am. I'm going to Moldova in less than two months. I'm selling every last thing I own that I can't take with me or my parents can't store. They refuse to store anything that is not a family heirloom, so essentially, all my stuff is on eBay and Craigslist. And I, for the first time in my life, feel free. I feel like I did the night before we left for Colorado for my first ski trip: so giddy I can't sleep. I've cast the line, reeled it in, and in my net, I've caught an adventure, but the type of adventure that redefines your life. The type that changes everything you know about the world. When I come back, I may define success differently. I may not want to come back at all, or I may be itching to get on the plane. I don't really know yet. I hope that the changes make me stronger, more well-rounded, and happier over all. I hope it is a worthwhile endeavor. 

I plan on examining my experiences here. It's a change from writing about the love of another or the search for love in a relationship to the search for self and self-fulfillment, but I'm excited for that change as well. It's time to move, shake, and experience. I hope you all enjoy coming on this journey with me!