For me, it was a little of everything. It was working at a soul-sucking job in a dismal career mixed with a man breaking my heart and a long-time discontented feeling as if I was meant for more.
I tried for years to fit into a perfect little box with a pretty little bow. I wanted to be "wife," and "mother," and "writer," and "world traveler," and "financial success," so that nobody could say I hadn't made anything of myself. But those were all tall orders and none of them made complete sense to me. How could I be a financial success if I was traveling and not working? How could I be a good mother if I wasn't at home? How could I be a wife when nobody that I have wanted to marry has ever wanted to marry me (thank god!)? And am I not already a writer? I have seven blogs and a manuscript for a novel sitting in my desk drawer. Doesn't that mean I'm already a writer, despite not yet being any type of commercial success? So I broke down the boxes and I recycled them. I began examining my life and figuring out which pieces fit NOW and which ones I needed to reexamine once all the corners and edges were assembled in this jigsaw puzzle we call "life."
The first thing I did was very difficult: I forgave myself. I forgave my past transgressions and my faults. I realized that without them, I am not 'me.' Without occasionally putting my foot in my mouth or telling a little too much truth, I am not me. Without romanticizing picnics into huge affairs bedecked with the perfect basket, bike, food combination. Without wild adventures like white water rafting with my dad in the freezing cold rain on Father's Day for no apparent reason other than I love to make my dad's back hurt so bad he can't sleep for three days straight. Or even without the weird cleaning habits I've created for myself over the years like cleaning the toilet EVERY Saturday and only on Saturday, I simply would not be "me," and I like "me." I think that I'm pretty cool actually, and I deserved to give myself a break. So I did.
Then I examined what I want out of life again and decided that my next step should be something that will fulfill me in a way nothing else has. Finishing college was good for me, but I wanted to give back. I had wanted to join the Peace Corps for about twelve years. It was in my mind ever since my mom mentioned it to me in the same conversation she told me that "doing for others is the only way to feel fulfillment. It's what measures our self-worth." It took until my early thirties to understand that she did not mean that by being a martyr in my personal relationships, I could find happiness. She meant that by being strong and truly giving of oneself to strangers who need help, we can find greater purpose and fulfill our need to create a legacy. So I joined the Peace Corps.
Now here I am. I'm going to Moldova in less than two months. I'm selling every last thing I own that I can't take with me or my parents can't store. They refuse to store anything that is not a family heirloom, so essentially, all my stuff is on eBay and Craigslist. And I, for the first time in my life, feel free. I feel like I did the night before we left for Colorado for my first ski trip: so giddy I can't sleep. I've cast the line, reeled it in, and in my net, I've caught an adventure, but the type of adventure that redefines your life. The type that changes everything you know about the world. When I come back, I may define success differently. I may not want to come back at all, or I may be itching to get on the plane. I don't really know yet. I hope that the changes make me stronger, more well-rounded, and happier over all. I hope it is a worthwhile endeavor.
I plan on examining my experiences here. It's a change from writing about the love of another or the search for love in a relationship to the search for self and self-fulfillment, but I'm excited for that change as well. It's time to move, shake, and experience. I hope you all enjoy coming on this journey with me!
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