Pondering

Yesterday I attended a safety and security session where a US Consulate law enforcement officer told my PC team that China was low on the "crime, terrorism, assault," lists. I had to think to myself, "do I know what this feels like?" No...I don't. I do not know what it feels like to live in a country where the likelihood of being the victim of a phone snatching or possibly getting hit by a car is more likely a fear to have than being shot in cold blood at a mall/movie theater/school, or turning on the news and seeing yet another mass shooting or slaying of an innocent...this is the first time. This strange place where I don't speak the language and new things accost me everyday at every turn is safer and gives me more comfort right now than my home. I can't be with my family right now to discuss and the horrific events going on in the US and to tell them to be careful. I can't hold my boyfriend's hand before he goes to work to serve and protect. I can't sit with my black friends and weep with them, and I'm sorry for my absence, but I'm glad I get to see what life is like when these tragedies are not our reality. I am happy I am removed and get to bring back a little slice of something different, for tomorrow is a new day. I will be waking up here, removed and unable to physically comfort those I love, but I'll be thinking about it. I'll be contemplating and even chatting with those people here who question me about violence and the scary nature of my home country. I'll try to sort through it and understand it myself. I'll try...I'll keep trying, because that's all I can do.

I am shocked at what is happening in my country right now. The blatant lack of respect for life, the fighting amongst ourselves. Here, in a homogeneous group, I'm learning the meaning of unity and I wonder why we can't celebrate our differences as well as our similarities. The most shocking thing about living in China is not the culture differences. It's the similarities. The obsession with technology and being plugged in. The clothing stores blaring loud music and showing bright fabrics in the windows. The amazing food and camaraderie that comes with sharing a meal. The love of friends and family. These things are universal. So why isn't violent crime? Why isn't this horrible feeling of fear and distrust that sits in my gut in the United States when I go out in public present  here in China? Where I hold my bags tightly next to my body to prevent thieves from stealing my belongings, but I tune out and enjoy the color of the sky or the curve of a flower because I'm not afraid that the person down the street has a gun and is simply going to start shooting...why even though I date a police officer, in the US my immediate reaction when a police officer is driving behind me or passing me on the street is one of fear and anxiety? Why? When here, people still feel like if they are lost, they should find a police officer to ask for directions? Why the divide? When faced with so many similarities, why are these differences what I'm feeling? 

I am at a loss right now. I can't read anymore of these articles. I can't emotionally take it. I'm so far away it barely seems real...but because I don't want it to be real. I want it to be fake, some complex rouse set up by the media to play on me as I'm halfway around the world and ineffective at steamrolling change. I'll be here tomorrow and the next day, pondering.